CHILDREN AND SEXUAL BEHAVIORS
Many people consider sexual topics as very hard to talk about with adults and others feel so uncomfortable discussing sexual development with children. Children need our guidance and direction to help them understand their natural sexual behaviors and we are also to get them the necessary help if there are signs of abuse.
If as an adult you’re taught “it’s disgraceful to touch certain parts of your body, then you may find it shameful when your child does”. Children begin to explore their bodies at a very young age and they will ask lots of questions about sex. Your curious 4 years old might want to ask you in a restroom about why he has penis. What would you do if you see your children and their friends comparing private parts or your 7 years old wants to know what sex is?
Children have natural curiosity about many things including sex and sexuality. Just know that young children don’t view their bodies as something sexual or shameful, instead, they see it as a body with different parts for them to explore. As parents, it is good to be cognizant of any sexual play and know if it’s normal or something to be worried about. Here are some lists I put together from different experts’ views on what’s normal and what’s not normal:
Normal sexual play for (2–5) years old children
- Inquisitiveness about the differences between boys and girls
2. Curiosity about pregnancy and birth
3. Touching their genitals in public or private
4. Looking at friends’ or siblings’ genitals
5. Showing genitals to their peers
6. Trying to see other kids or adults naked
Abnormal sexual play for (2–5) years old children
There may be an issue if children are curious about specific sexual acts or they use sexually explicit language.
- Engaging in adult-like sexual acts with other children
2. Acting out physically aggressive sexual behaviors
3. Inserting objects into their genitals or anus
Normal sexual play for (6–12) years old children
· Children between ages 6 and 12 are more modest and are sensitive to being seen undressed
· They may show curiosity about adult sexual behaviors
· They may begin puberty
· They may show interest in romantic relationships which may involve kissing and holding hands
· They are more aware of social rules for sexual behaviors
Abnormal sexual play for (6–12) years old children
· Showing off or touching sexual body parts in public
· Trying to have sex with pets, toys or peers
· Pressurizing other children into sexual activity
· Focusing on sexual words, activity or sexual body parts
See your medical provider if your child is showing any signs of sexual acts beyond what is developmentally common, they may have been abused or probably experiencing stress. You can also ask them questions like; “where have you seen that before?”, “Has anyone touched you that way before?” and the likes. You must ask these questions calmly in a safe way, so as to get more information from your child.
HOW TO RESPOND TO A CHILD’S QUESTIONS ON SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT
Sexual behavior is learned best if we are the teachers. As your child asks questions on sexual behaviors, it is very crucial to respond patiently in a calm manner. It is also very essential to answer their questions honestly. For example; if you see your child acting abnormally, you don’t have to freak out, shout, slap their hands away, scare or shame them. If you do any of these, your child will be uncomfortable and won’t confide in you about any sexual struggles they are experiencing in the future. If you’re calm in your approach, your child would always come to you first about any questions related to sex or sexual development.
If your 2 years old is playing with her genitals, you can distract her by giving her toys. When children 2–5 years old are seen touching their genitals or their friends’ genitals, talk to them gently about their bodies being special to them and they are not allowed to touch other people’s private parts. Most children understand simple explanations like “boys have penis and girls don’t”. Teach your child the appropriate and inappropriate behaviors.
When your children are old enough to understand sexual behavior, teach them what is appropriate and what isn’t.
EXAMPLES OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS
- They can touch their non-private parts anytime and anywhere
2. It is not appropriate to show anyone their private parts
3. It is not appropriate to touch someone else’s private parts
4. No one but mum and dad should touch their privates and that’s only when wiping their bottom after using the restroom or when bathing them and that’s only if the children are unable to do so by themselves.
5. No one has the right to touch, look at or photograph the private parts of their body and no one should ask them to look at theirs’, if they do, ask your children to report to you.
6. Doctors and nurses may need to touch their private parts BUT mum and dad must be there.
Teach your children to call their private parts by their CORRECT BIOLOGICAL AND ANATOMICAL NAMES: PENIS, VAGINA, BOTTOM, BREASTS, avoid using nicknames like weewee, peepee and others. This is very important so as not to make them feel ashamed of their private parts, when you give them wrong names, it would make them wonder if there’s something wrong with the real names and this will confuse them. If you teach them the correct names, it will help them see their privates as very serious.
Keep communication about sexual intercourse ongoing in an age appropriate manner. Only tell them what they are ready to hear, for example; you can tell your 2 years old that “babies come from mummy’s tummy because of the love they share” when they ask where do babies come from, teaching them about sexual intercourse at that age would be too advanced for them.
As they get older, you can give more information, you’ll know because they will request for more details. It is very important to understand why they are asking these questions. If your 9 years old wants to know more about how a baby gets into mom’s tummy, you can go into detail by saying “ Dad’s penis and mom’s vagina fit together in a unique way, fluid comes out and goes into mom’s vagina and mix with an egg which then fuse together and gets implanted to mom’s uterus where it grows and then later comes out through vagina as a baby.”
If your 9 years old walks in on you while having sex, don’t feel overly guilty, take a moment to collect your thoughts, try to explain what happens using a simple age-appropriate language, but prevention is key, lock the door, use noisemakers like TV, sound system etc. If you see your 10 years old acting out sexual behaviors with dolls, please, get to the bottom of it, have a conversation about sex, it may be that the child has been sexually abused or doing it for fun. Tell them sex is only for MARRIED PEOPLE, it should be very private and not be done for everyone to see and ask them if anyone has done it with them. When your 4 years old walks in on you when dressing, teach them privacy, tell them mom likes her privacy, respect my space.
As your children approach puberty (9–11 years), teach them about the changes they would be experiencing, for example; girls develop breasts, they start menstruating and boys grow beards and their voices change, they may experience feelings for opposite sex and teach them limits on how far the feelings can be acted out. At the onset of puberty, adolescents usually become self-conscious, they may be bothered about whether they are maturing too fast physically or not fast enough, leading them to compare their appearance with that of their peers.
Some parents complicate this impact for their adolescents by teasing or making fun of their physical appearance, this can lead to a problem in their self-esteem. Parents can help their children by getting closer to them, educating them about how to manage their sexual maturity and teach them to accept themselves the way they are.
It is best to keep young children off social media and only give them supervised access to electronics, this is important because sexual abusers gain easy access to children on social media. For your older kids, make sure you have passwords to their devices. Teach your children that it is never appropriate to send nude pictures of themselves over the internet or disclose personal information to anyone on any of their social media accounts, because any pics on internet can stay on the internet or public view forever. Also, use parental controls to limit access on their devices and schedule a good screen time planning in place for your family.
In conclusion, parents should make themselves available to their children so they can always come to them when they have questions. Safeguard your children from sexual predators, your children must see you as an expert on this sex thing so they won’t seek information from outsiders when they feel you don’t know because you don’t discuss it with them or you are not honest enough with your explanations.
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THANKS FOR READING.
