How to deal with ANGER in children
Anger is a strong protective emotion that masks other feelings. It is a secondary emotion that results from another feeling which can be disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, insecurity, failure or fear.
It’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be sad but we have to deal with these feelings in healthy ways. You probably know how to deal with anger but a child doesn’t. The good news is you can help your children learn how to express their emotions.
Children can get angry for no good reasons because they lack self-regulation, which is the ability to express their feelings in healthy ways. As parents, you can help your children to identify and describe their feelings by teaching them basic words like sad, afraid, happy and so on, so that they can learn to label their feelings and not lash out to express them. As your children grow, teach them more complex words like embarrassment, frustrated, lonely etc.
Children may express anger due to anxiety and stress. Parents should give their kids extra support, so as to help them ease their stress. Trauma, which is a disturbing experience can also be expressed in angry melt down by children, there are different causes of trauma in children, you should see a health provider if your child is experiencing trauma.
Excessive anger in children can be a developmental disability, a type of this disability is ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Children with this disorder struggle with controlling their impulses and emotions, and so they can react in excessive anger. Only a medical provider can diagnose your child with a developmental disability. So, it is important to get a diagnosis from an expert if your child’s anger is out of control, if they are hurting you, others or themselves.
However, regardless of why your child gets angry, your response to their anger can make a big difference. When your children are throwing tantrums or doing things that are inappropriate, you shouldn’t give in to what they want at that time, so you wouldn’t be encouraging the idea that whenever they misbehave, they would get whatever they want and they in turn continue with such bad behavior. Instead, maintain your stand, hold on to your “NO”. When your children are angry, step away from them and not intensify the anger with how you feel. Give your children time to relax and you can later talk to them when they have calmed down, discuss the situation and ask questions about why they got angry and talk them through better ways of handling such situation.
As a parent myself, I use both negative and positive reinforcements most times and I have seen great improvements in my children’s behaviors. When they misbehave, I use punishments in the form of taking away privileges to deter them from repeating their actions. One disadvantage of negative reinforcement is that, it may become less and less effective as a child grows and matures. Reinforce positively their good behaviors by praising them or giving them gifts.
I want you to at this point reflect on a time you were angry as an adult, (do being told “stop yelling” settles the matter? NO!!!) it probably worsened the situation. This is usually our first response when our children get angry and this is not good enough, instead we should respond in a way that would make them feel heard and understood rather than resulting to punishment or telling them to stop.
It is very important that you do not discount their feelings even when they seem silly or irrational to you. You can ask questions like “what made you so mad that you threw away your toys?” “why did you hit your friend?” and the likes. Then move on to helping them come up with better solutions, for example; telling them “next time you are angry instead of throwing your toys away, come to me so we can discuss what the problem is”, “instead of hitting your friend when you are angry, you can report what he did to me”
When you involve your child in possible solutions, you are teaching them skills to tackle future situations. Use fair consequences for bad behavior, consequences are different from punishment because they teach responsibility for bad behavior. For example; telling the angry child that throws his toys away that “I’m sorry, I can’t let you play with the toys again for now, pack them and you can play with them tomorrow.”
When you see a child handling a situation well, praise them in the act, for example; “I saw how you worked out your differences with your friend without getting angry, keep it up!”. Parents are amazingly powerful teachers; we have to be careful with our reactions or responses when we are angry because our children are watching and may respond like us. If you get angry easily; your child might get angry easily too, if you lash out, so might your child. Parents should constantly check their behaviors.
Finally, if your child is having anger issues, try not to expose them to violent TV programs, movies or games. Prevent them from witnessing violence, instead, expose them to books, TV shows and educative games that teach conflict resolution skills.
